fire update & thoughts

To answer the questions I've been getting about the fires here...

I'm fine. My house was on standby for evacuation on Monday so I packed up the irreplacable items and put them in storage at my office. I've left them there because we've been on the border of an evacuation area for the Harris fire since then. Monday & Tuesday night, I could see flames in the distance. This afternoon, we received conflicting instructions on whether or not to evacuate. We've stayed put because we can't even see the glow of flames and the sheriff hasn't shown up to tell us it's time to go.

There is a ton of devastation here. I've come to the conclusion that tornadoes are preferable to fires. When you survive a tornado, you're more likely to find a few belongings. With a fire, it's just so rare to find anything that's survived intact. Tornado warnings and watches last hours; the tornado itself is over in minutes. Fires last for hours that actually stretch into days. Fires rain smoke and ash for days; they have to be fought. Tornadoes are gone as quickly as they arrive. The commonality lies in the ability of both to bring out the best in people during the worst of times; to cause one to evaluate their priorities; and to remind people that memories and life are to be cherished and treasured; the rest is just stuff.

the victory & defeat of shopping

today, i bit the bullet and went shopping. it's the time of year when i typically find i need to add a few items to my closet. i was dreading this trip. i knew i'd gained some weight. i was not looking forward to seeing the tags in the back of the clothes.

i was fairly sure i'd need a 16... a size i haven't needed for 3 & 1/2 years; a size i'd promised myself i'd never need again. i took the 16's to the dressing room and they were clearly TOO BIG! i was thrilled and went in search of the 14's. whew. i was relieved. my comfortable, i feel healthy, look healthy weight has me wearing 12's and the occasional 10's. Knowing I only need to drop a single pant size feels really doable! i was very excited and relieved.

but then came my shopping defeat. there's an adorable pair of nine west shoes i've been ogling since i first saw them. they went on sale so i decided i could afford to splurge. i couldn't wait to wear them. and then, they didn't fit well. i tried several different sizes, all without success. i looked for another pair i also really liked, not as much but i liked. and they didn't have anything close to my size. defeated by the shoe department, i took my smaller-than-i-thought-i'd-need jeans and went home, mostly smiling.

the kiss hello revisited

it seems the brits are quite confused by the new array of greeting options with the wider acceptance of the kiss hello.

how i know i'm under the weather

i woke up yesterday thinking i had a migraine. i went back to sleep for a little bit and woke up again and realized, it wasn't a migraine, i was seriously stuffy. couldn't breathe, my sinuses hurt and i was running a low grade fever.

today no fever but still not feeling great. and i know i'm under the weather because only 4 foods sound good: toast w/butter; chicken noodle soup, mashed potatoes and mac 'n' cheese. i like these foods anytime, but they're the only things i want when i feel yucky.

if i wake up like this tomorrow, i'll call the doctor. no time to be sick--convention is next week.

but what are we teaching our boys?

marko has a great post here about dove campaign for beauty. i'm a big fan of this campaign. i've struggled with my self-image off and on my whole life. i believe in teaching girls they are beautiful just as they are. that they don't need to be skinnier, bustier, blonder, or more of anything but themselves.

the caveat is that girls want to be thought of as pretty. we want to be found attractive. so it's not just enough to change how women view beauty. we have to do more than teach girls that they are beautiful just as they are. we have to find a way to teach boys to see beauty in more shapes and forms than cover girl, super model packaging.

i think this can and should start in our youth ministries. for male leaders, do you pay equal attention to all the girls in your group? not just the bubbly, outgoing, popular girls? do your male students know that you find your wife beautiful? and what beyond her appearance makes her beautiful to you? are people's characters and inner qualities celebrated more than their appearance or athletic skill?

so, that's all. i just read marko's post this am and this is what started spinning in my head.

a few dating lessons

every so often, i get my nerve up and dive into the online dating pool. obviously, it hasn't been successful yet. but it has been a learning experience. here are a few things i've learned:

on photos:

1. glamour shots/commercial headshots shouldn't be used. anyone with sense knows those have been retouched. and in most cases, that look is not what you'll be seeing when you meet up at the coffee shop.
2. if it looks like there's any possibility, the pic could show up in a mug shots book or be on a post office wall, don't use it.
3. please make sure your photo is from this decade. that also goes for your hairstyle.
4. if you're going to have an animal in the pic with you, it should be cute and alive. no dead fish, no dead deer, no insects of enormous size. and no pics of your dog (cute) with a dead bird in its mouth (yech!).
5. if you're going to post an action shot, please make sure it's your good side. and your back side or camera angles looking up from about the knee area are pretty much never your good side.

on interests:

everyone is interested in a) traveling; b) making more money c) doing something to make a difference in the world; d) meeting in a coffee shop for a first meeting. my advice on actually being interesting: a) go someplace. take a trip and stop waiting for the perfect traveling companion. b) skip the money talk in your profile. it's pretty safe assumption that no one wants to make less money and that everyone wants to make more. contentment with financial status would be something interesting. c) actually be doing something to make a difference in the world. what are you waiting for? volunteer now...don't wait for your life partner to get started. d)come up with something, anything besides a coffee shop for a first meeting.

and finally, on emotional baggage:

i think there should be some way devised to weigh a person's emotional baggage. seriously. as in if your past isn't really in your past, you should exceed the weight limit for emotional baggage. for example, if you've only been out of rehab for a month, and it was your second time through, this is not old news. or if you've been divorced for more than a year, and you still refer to your ex without the ex qualifier, well, this is not old news. in both of these cases, your emotional baggage has exceeded the acceptable weight limit to embark on a new relationship journey.

hope & hamstrings

yesterday was walktheirwalk. i blogged about the event here.

to everyone who sponsored me, prayed for and encouraged me--a huge THANK YOU! it meant the world to me.

in coming days, i'll post some additional thoughts. for the moment i'll just say it was a really great experience and it truly did help me recapture some hope. and my hamstrings and calves may never recover--they only hurt when i move them.

finally, it's not too late to give. oh, and here are some photos of the day that my friend renee took.

oh, how i love tim gunn

one of the very best parts of project runway is tim gunn. i'm a huge fan. i love his 'make it work' attitude. we quote it at work in our department a lot. tonite i watched the premiere of tim gunn's house of style. here's a couple of nuggets of wisdom i gleaned from this episode:

• i can not control how i am perceived, i can only control how i'm presented.
• my closet is in serious need of an overhaul.
• a key to walking with confidence is to listen to my inner soundtrack...note to self: get an inner soundtrack.
• i should buy his book.

since bravo is putting SO much time in between project runway series, i'm glad they found another vehicle for tim. if you're looking for me on thursday's at 10 pm... i'll be watching tim.

regaining hope

a huge chunk of my life--until my early twenties--was spent raising funds for project concern through their event the walk for mankind which later became the walk for children. i walked, did mailings, served on the youth action committee and eventually ended up during my college years working with media relations, leading the youth committee, and doing presentations about the walk and what the funds raised meant to the people that project concern served. i spoke to elementary school kids, middle and high school kids, church groups and civic communities--anybody who'd ask us to send a speaker and talk about poverty and how a difference could be made. eventually the walks were phased out. and with it a lot of my activism died. i don't think i even fully realized that until this spring when we (ys) published 'be the change' by zach hunter. every so often i'd read something or hear someone say something to the effect of 'it's great he's got that youthful energy, but he'll grow out of it'. everytime i heard that, i'd have such a strong, deep reaction. "dream stealers" i called them. when it was appropriate, i'd share how they should keep that opinion to themselves. or question why they felt the need to seemingly hope or flat out expect that zach would or should 'grow out of it'.

about a month ago, this came up at my women's group. i melted down. i started down the questioning road but realized this wasn't about zach. it was about me. somehow, when the walks ended, i lost hope about being able to really change the world. i needed to find a way to regain that hope. about the same time i learned about walk their walk, a walk-a-thon put together by my friends jody and kathryn. the proceeds benefit the community of twachiyanda, zambia. kathryn and jody visited this community to see the impact that our middle school kids had there through one life revolution & world vision. they came back truly changed by their experience and this walk is an expression of that.

so as part of me regaining hope, i'm participating in the walk. walking 12 miles--the same distance the kids in twachiyanda walk each day to go to school. and instead of presents for my birthday, i'm asking friends & family to sponsor me in the walk. you can check out my sponsorship page and donate online at http://www.firstgiving.com/mindig. i'm nervous and excited--walking 12 miles is lot for me these days. but through jody and kathryn's trip and stories, i know that the funds raised by walk their walk will have a huge impact on a community the other side of the world. and in turn, that gives me hope.

oh the 0's

so tomorrow i turn 40. august 28. the big 4-0. i'm trying to figure out what 40 means for me and here are a couple thoughts:

forty is fabulous! i won't be having any of the 'over the hill at 40' business going on. my dad and stepmom did an over the hill party for my stepsister. she's apparently more polite than i am. i'd walk out on that! here's my theory as to why 40 is fab--my thirties were better than my twenties and i liked my twenties better than my teens, so based on my personal story i have every reason to believe that my forties will be better than my thirties. i think i do keep getting better with age.

forty means your doctor likes to run tests. at my last doctor's appt., he scheduled me for a bunch of blood work, a mammogram--a baseline is required for women at 40 if not before, and an mri for my knee that my orthopaedic surgeon in ok had said would likely need surgery again around 40. both appointments landed on the actually big day. yippee! aren't i lucky? oh and just to add to this kind of fun, a ginormous pimple showed up on the end of my nose today! thank goodness for benefit 02 coverup!

regaining some lost hope! i'm going to participate in walk their walk to benefit aids orphans in zambia. i'll write more about this in my next post.

i'm sure i'll have a few more thoughts as time goes on, but for now, here's to fabulous 40!

recommended

i realized this evening that i have developed a new, must-visit-daily, web habit. allow me to highly recommend the bbc's "in pictures" page(s).

this page is updated with a "day in pictures" monday-friday with highlights being posted on the weekend. photos come from all over the world. in the thursday, aug. 15 edition, photos from india, japan, kenya, bulgaria, and germany among several others are featured and cover everything from a horse jumping competition to the commeration of japan's wwii surrender. it's also interesting to read the news from a non-american perspective.

so, there you have it, my recommendation of a spot on the internet not to be missed.

i probably shouldn't admit this

but one of my all-time favorite movies is son-in-law with pauly shore. it feels wrong to admit that, but it always makes me laugh. it's on tonite...and once again, i'm just amused. i love the grandpa, the little brother, the goofy clothes. and my other favorite movies are just so unlike it.

the other movies i love, sort of an informal top 10:

• gone with the wind--"frankly my dear... & fiddle-dee-dee"
• love actually--hugh grant falls for the girl with "sizeable thighs" & an excellent soundtrack (uk version better than us--bought it in london)
• indiscreet--cary grant & ingrid bergman in london, so fabulously elegant
• chocolat--something a little mystical and magical about this one
• bridget jones's diary--a tragic spinster, urban family, smug marrieds, poufs, & the best fight scene ever
• pillow talk--doris day & rock hudson, a classic
• philadelphia story--cary grant again...what can i say?
• beauty & the beast--my all-time favorite animated flick
• french kiss--i think it's highly underrated
• and, as previously mentioned, son-in-law, which just doesn't make sense...

so what about you? what are your faves?

shopping hazards

tonite i went to target and encountered the shopping hazard that has to be one of my biggest pet peeves: pack people.

pack people are those people who come to the store or mall in groups of 4 or more. the travel in a little pack that moves somewhat like an amoeba. they take up whole aisles; they block whole sections of displays all trying to look at the same thing at the same time; they are so inward focused, they are unaware the traffic congestion they create in a store. i loathe pack people especially when you politely say 'excuse me' to be able to manouever yourself through the aisle or to reach something on one of the shelves they've been looking at for a good 5 minutes and they treat you like you're the one being rude. i really detest pack people. and i frequently shop late so i can avoid them. but tonite in target, there were 3 groups of them, blocking entire aisles at times. seriously, does it take all 9 members of the family to pick out the box of mac 'n cheese?

the other shopping hazards i've encountered of late have been a little more exotic. a few nights ago, i was in target (what can i say i'm a regular there). anyway the lady in front of me in the checkout line is looking past me and getting very pale. i asked if she was okay and she says "oh my god! there's a giant lizard!" in a very frantic hushed voice. I whip around looking at the floor for the giant lizard when the lady walks next to me and points and says thru gritted teeth, "no, over there, on that woman". and there it is. a giant brownish green lizard that was at least 2 feet long. it's head and front paws/claws/feet (whatever the right name is) were on her shoulder, the rest of it was down the front of her chest and stomach. and the most bizarre part of all was that the lizard was on a leash--a leash with rhinestones and a collar full of rhinestones to match.

and finally, i've been working part-time at a friend's gift shop on the weekends. last weekend, a customer from behind me said "excuse me", and as i turned to help him, out of my mouth popped "oh my, you have a bird!". the guy was walking around, kinda like a pirate, with a giant cockatoo on his shoulder. i did manage to actually answer the guy's question.

seriously though, i've gotten used to people bringing their dogs of all sizes with them everywhere. i'm just not ready to regularly encounter birds and lizards when i'm shopping. i mean what's next--shopping with your pet python coiled around your arm? taking your mini-horse through the mall on a leash?

i know most malls are smoke free; and some now have restrictions on teens. i think i'd like to request my stores and malls be animal-free except for assistance animals. oh, and if they could be free of pack people, the world would be a much better place.

random fact meme

i was tagged by gman

rules to play
1. players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
2. those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
3. players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged.

1. i sometimes think that heaven should sound more like cheering joyfully when your team wins than a choir.
2. i think the thought above could have something to do with i can cheer really loudly, but i have a terrible singing voice.
3. i currently have 9 purses and 16 pairs of shoes in rotation (out of the boxes--ready for easy use)
4. i keep all my shoe boxes--the shoes stay better longer and they're easier to store.
5. i'm attempting to knit my first baby blanket for a friend's baby who should be here soon.
6. i'm currently addicted to izze clementine and starbucks reduced-fat orange creme coffee cake.
7. my all-time favorite children's book is thee hannah! (i'll blog about this separately someday soon).
8. i recently became a brunette. now i just need to pick a new style.

i tag:

max
liesl
lizzy
jamie
lilly
alex
josh
dayouthguy

i've been sucked back in...

for those of you who don't know, i'm a tulsa, ok native. in tulsa, they have a aa farm team for the texas rangers--the tulsa drillers. when i was probably in 6th or 7th grade, my dad bought a billboard in the outfield for the business he owned. with the billboard came four box seat tickets right above the home team dugout. my dad has never been remotely interested in team sports but he viewed the tickets as a freebie and he's never passed up something free. consequently, we went to a lot of baseball games. and it being aa ball, there are a lot of guys barely out of high school or college--late teens early 20's. and to a boy-crazy middle-school girl, sitting above the dug out was a little bit of heaven.

the guys playing ball were mostly really nice guys. they'd talk to me and explain the game to me. i'd only played part of a season of softball, so i was a little clueless. but thanks to those ball players, at one time, i could keep score and calculate an era or batting average. and in the process, i really fell in love with baseball. even though, i grew up and started dating real boys instead of daydreaming about baseball players, i've always been fond of baseball. i followed the texas rangers (parent club of tulsa) and the aaa club for the rangers where tulsa players moved onto conveniently located in oklahoma city.

when i moved to san diego, i tried to engage with the hometown padres, but i just couldn't connect. i was an al girl. i missed dh's and pinch hitters who were more likely to pull out a big play than the ones i'd seen in the national league. i'd been to a couple games a season most years since i'd moved out here, but just never really connected. about a month ago, a dad of one of my small group girls got us tix to go to a game. two of my girls play softball and the third thought a pads game would be fun. the seats were amazing. they were on a special deck of mostly season ticket holders called the toyota terrace. we were just a few rows back, about at 3rd. and the game we saw was awesome.

the pads were playing the reds. it was tied going into the bottom of the 9th and the pads won it with a bases loaded, no outs walk to kevin kouzmanoff. i could not believe i'd just seen a major league game won on a bases loaded walk in the bottom of the ninth. it was also the game where kevin kouzmanoff came alive. he went 3 for 3 with 2 rbi's. and just like that, i was sucked back in. to the point, that i've been checking box scores, watching the games on the local sd network that shows them all, tracking the pads standing in the nl west (currently 1 up on the d-backs and 2 on the dodgers after beating them tonite in 12).

so as you can tell, i've been sucked back into a little baseball obsession.

it's been two months?

i knew it had been a while since i'd posted but i didn't realize it'd been two months since my last post. i have a lot going on right now, both internally and externally. i'm sure at some point i'll post about some of it, but i was really logging on to post about the return of a former obsession from my youth. i'll post about that separately.

this is kind of a silly little post, but it seemed sillier to not acknowledge a two month absence.

alan rickman's too sexy

so when i was looking for a clip of sense & sensibility on you tube, i discovered i'm not alone in having a thing for alan rickman.

this was my favorite find:

i'm so weird meme

please, no comments from the gallery, but i was tagged by jay to do this meme.

i list 6 weird things about me and then tag six others to do the same. so, here goes.

1. i secretly wish i'd been a broadway and/or ballroom dancer. i will, just because i can and because i live by myself, dance my way across the house. it all started when i watched american bandstand as a kid and i would try and imitate the moves i saw on tv. oh, and in case you aren't aware of this about me, i'm a total klutz which makes being a professional dancer pretty laughable as a career option for me. of course, i'm not as bad as elaine in seinfeld.

2. if i could play any character in any musical on broadway, i'd want to play gertie in oklahoma just because i'm great at doing the obnoxious laugh. i don't laugh like her really, but it is a little fun on occasion.

3. i love guys with british, irish or australian accents. really, if you have one of the accents, i already think you're cute. i'm also fond of southern accents. this is reflected in my top 5 choices of men to be stranded on an island with: (in no particular order) hugh jackman, hugh grant, colin firth, harry connick, jr., & alan rickman. i know the alan rickman part is seriously weird, but i think it has something to do with the ridiculous number of times i've watched sense & sensibility.

4. i have this weird habit of holding my arms at my sides, bent upwards at the elbow, and then my hands kind of dangle down from my wrists. marko calls this posture "t-rex hands" and mocks me when i do it. because of this, i don't do this nearly as often which is good because it does look really weird.

5. i get freaked out by icky feet. callouses, corns, bunions, gross toe nails--eewww! it's not like i'm fascinated by good feet; i just get seriously icked out by gross ones. if i ever get married, my hubby will have to learn to like regular pedicures.

6. when i get really tired, i rub my face, my ears and mess with my hair. i don't know why, but i do. and when i catch myself starting to do that, it's time for me to say good night and go to bed.

so, there it is. 6 weird things about me. i'm sure there are more...and if you think you know some, well, keep it to yourself. i probably know some weird things about you too ;).

and now to tag 6 others--alex, lizzy, johny b, marko, josh, & max.

1 down, 4 to go

so my doctor prescribed a 5 day dietary cleanse for me. my thyroid is a little off again and my weight is up so i'd started back on weight watchers. my latest round of blood work also showed my blood sugar is a little high, hence the cleanse. today was day 1. i've had 3 meal replacement shakes, 2 supplement bars, and a cup of grapes.

yesterday, i had a very good cheeseburger & fries for dinner. a good cheeseburger & fries is one of my favorite meals. it's not my best choice on weight watchers, but since it's the last thing i was eating for 5 days, i splurged.

i know this is only 5 days and i can do this, but i already miss eating. and it's only been one day. i'm avoiding the food network...and i can't wait til friday.

spring cleaning and materialism

hi, i'm mindi and i'm a pack rat. seriously. i have issues with not being able to throw stuff away. i save notes, letters, silly momentos, gift bags, tchotchke, old t-shirts that i haven't worn since college.

when i moved to san diego, two of my friends came over to help me pack. i purged a LOT of stuff then: stuffed animals i'd had since my toddler days, notes i'd passed in class in middle school, birthday cards from my childhood, and a frightening amount of clothes i hadn't worn since high school. one of those two friends is an organizational whiz (though she'd deny it) and gave me a few rules of thumb to save me from my pack rat self (and to keep me from joining the ranks of the women in my family all of whom have drawers and closets that should only be opened while wearing a hard hat and garages and attics stuffed to overflowing).

one of those rules was to do spring cleaning. toss what doesn't work that can't be fixed. give away the clothes, accessories and shoes from last season that were never worn. clean out the files throwing away anything that isn't truly needed for tax records or insurance type reasons. get rid of things you just aren't using anymore. i've gotten good at this for me. and that's what i've been working on this past weekend and this weekend.

but i'm wrestling with what to do with a few things. for example, my toaster and coffee maker. both are the original ones i got when i first moved out on my own. they're probably both at least 15 years old. they're ugly, but they work. and my towels. i have them in a variety of mismatched colors. you can tell the history of my bathroom colors from my towels. my towels are faded and frayed around the edges, but they still work. so here's the dilemma all of this stuff still does the job they were created to do. they just don't look that good doing it. there's a part of me that wants to toss them out or donate them so i can buy new, pretty towels and cute appliances. but there's a part of me that feels wasteful, like if the items are still good enough to donate they should be good enough for me to keep and use.

i haven't quite figured out what to do. it's not like i need new stuff, i just would like it. but there's this little voice in the back of my head (it sounds more like my aunt than my mom which will make sense to you if you know them), that says "there are thousands of kids dying of starvation and starvation related diseases--do you really need a cute toaster?"

and the answer is i don't need one, but is it bad to want one?

quick thought about labels

so, after reading a few blogs this evening and reflecting on some recent conversations with friends, i'm finding myself so frustrated with the assumptions that go with labels we use to categorize people.

i know we need some ways to group people and to identify ourselves with groups but i'm frustrated with the frequent easiness we assume the worst about people based on their labels. i'm as guilty of it as anyone, but i'm finding myself to be more sensitive to it lately.

emergent people frequently blog & comment about the ills of the evangelicals. evangelicals frequently blog & comment about the evils of emergents. both claim the other side has perverted the gospel. i have friends who've eschewed the use of the word 'christian' and prefer jesus-follower or something similar. i know there are lots of people who've used the word 'christian' in ways that are more political than related to the meaning i learned for the word 'christ-like'. and i also recognize that there are people who do very un-christ-like things while calling themselves christian.

the fact is that it doesn't matter how you label yourself or others, if you don't extend to others the love and grace that christ has extended to you, you don't bring him glory--you just pervert a whole new set of labels and create for the community of faith that chooses jesus more bad publicity.

for myself, i'm going to try to not judge others by their labels. i'm going to try to take people on an individual basis. i'm going to assume that regardless of the group people choose in trying to figure out their relationship to christ that they are trying their best in the ways they know how.

i don't expect myself to be perfect at this, or even good at it consistently. but i am going to try to assume the best about people. by trying to assume the best first i hope to be a little less suspicious and cynical.

fredgies, faith and doubt

my small group of girls is so very wonderfully middle school. tonight, they were horsing around and one of the girls slid out of the little funky ikea rocking chair (pictured at right) i have and managed to give herself a wedgie. the conversation rapidly devolved to if you have a wedgie in the front it should be called a "fredgie" a front wedgie. they then spent several more minutes trying to figure out what to call it when you get a fredgie and a wedgie at the same time.

after bribing them with cookies & dr pepper, we finally moved onto the lesson. and somehow they were able to shift gears and talk about faith and doubt. we're using marko & kurt johnston's book my faith. tonite we were doing the section on faith and doubt. it's so amazing the questions the girls have...'how do we know we have the right god and that other religions don't?' 'what if sometimes i'm not sure god is real 'cause trying to spend time with him feels like i'm sitting alone talking to myself?' their questions are so sincere and you can just almost see their little brains trying to move from concrete to abstract thinking as they try to wrap their heads and hearts around big 'who is god?' questions.

and i'm just such equal parts amused and touched by their ability to go from fredgie to faith in a matter of minutes.

pondering updates

so here are a few follow up thoughts from my previous post:

• i'm remembering how to breathe a little more which is good. turning blue is really bad.
• popcorn at the theatre has some secret additive. okay, i don't know that for sure, but it makes sense.
• 4 weeks...it took 4 weeks for my small group girls to get bored with my hs yearbooks.

and a few new thoughts:

• doing a spiritual formation retreat for urban kids is an incredible experience
• puppy-sitting means i leave the office on time
• i could be jealous of the girl on the sit-com who's moving from socal to london
• united airlines needs more competitive fares at the moment

and finally...

• as much as i love pink...i'm really over all the pink and red in stores right now. i'm looking forward to feb 15...

pondering

over the last few weeks, i've been pondering some stuff. stuff like

• is it possible to be inept at leading the life you seem to have?
• what contributes to staying in ministry as a long-time volunteer?
• how do i discern between selfishness and drawing healthy boundaries for myself? (i'm realizing i may have grown up with skewed ideas of the two.)
• is there at all an easy or graceful way to transition from being the child of a parent to needing to be the caretaker of a parent?
• i think i've forgetten how to breathe. seriously, i catch myself actually holding my breath more and more often. i have no idea what's up with that.

and there's some lighter stuff that i've thought about too like...

• if the top 5 guys on my dream list all have accents (3 british, 2 southern), i might be living in the wrong part of the world to meet a cute guy with an accent.
• why is it that if i smell theatre popcorn, only theatre popcorn will cure the craving it creates? why won't popcorn i make at home cure the craving? it's still popcorn.
• how many weeks will it be before the novelty of my high school yearbooks wears off for my small group girls?

so there you go. a little peek at the stuff i'm pondering. at some point in the next few weeks, i'll post some of my thinking since i'm not sure there are any easy conclusions...oh, and we're at three weeks so far of my hs yearbooks entertaining my small group.

food network confessions

on most any lazy saturday or sunday afternoon, you'll find me curled up on the couch knitting and watching food network. i get lots of great ideas from the food network. i'm actually starting to think i'm really developing an addiction to food network. more and more often, it's not enough to just watch the shows. i actually feel compelled to try the recipes.

my three favorite shows--which are also the ones i've tried the most recipes from--are barefoot contessa, rachel ray's 30 minute meals and everyday italian with giada de laurentis. i also really like ace of cakes, but it's more american chopper in the kitchen than a show you can actually try in your own kitchen. i actually own cookbooks from barefoot contessa (confession: i've had hers for years--before she had a food network show. the photos are beautiful, it's more like a coffee table book) and rachel ray 30 minute meals 2.

the thing i love about these shows and cookbooks is they put together flavors i'd never think to. one of my favorite appetizers is from giada's show, honey & gorgonzola bruschetta. sounds weird, but it's so yummy and always gets rave reviews. yesterday afternoon giada had a recipe for cinnamon butter gnocchi on her sweet and savory episode. again sounds weird, but i typically like gnocchi and i love cinnamon butter so i thought, 'why not?'. so tonite, i bought some gnocchi and cooked it, made the cinnamon butter and tossed the gnocchi in it. and the weird thing is, i can't decide if i like it. i didn't hate, i didn't love it. i really just can't decide. so, if you work with me, i'm bringing some to the office tomorrow. you can try it and tell me what you think since i really think i need a second opinion.

baby, it's cold outside

brrr....it's almost 11 pm here in chilly san diego. yep, you read that right. tonite is supposed to be one of the coldest nights in recent years here. i just checked weather.com and the current temp for my neighborhood is 32. it's supposed to drop down to 25 degrees...that's cold anywhere, but it's really cold when the typical low is in the lower 40's. i guess i shouldn't complain though, we could be under a layer of ice like my friends and family in tulsa.

it is a little nice to have a taste of winter. it's just too bad kids here won't get to experience the fun of a snow day. one of my favorite memories of growing up is waking up to some white stuff on the ground and turning on the morning news to watch for school closings. it was always a good sign to see a few schools up there. i can remember holding my breath until the list scrolled to the "l's" and our school, leonard, popped up. there would be much rejoicing. the breakfast would become french toast instead of cinnamon. the jammies would stay on and one of the local tv stations would put on a half hour of cartoons when the schools were closed. after the cartoons were over, we'd get dressed and bundled up to go out and play in the snow. we'd come back in to warm up with hot chocolate. we'd make popcorn in the middle of the afternoon. i could take a nap (i've always been a fan of naps). i loved those days.

for tonite, i'll just have to stay snuggled up in my flannel jammies under my fleece throw in front of the space heater and enjoy my memories.

remembering allan

in the summer of 87, a guy--allan--that i'd grown up with in youth group and had dated for about a year when we were in hs, called and asked me to come over to his house for lunch. i'd only been home from college for a couple weeks and he'd graduated from hs about a month earlier (at the time, i was 19, allan was 18, but he was two years behind me in school.) we made sandwiches, went and picked up his little sister from cheer practice and just hung out. we watched st. elmo's fire and chatted, catching up on life. it was cool that we were still friends even after one of those drama-filled high school break-ups. we had fun that afternoon and laughed a lot. late the next afternoon, i stopped by the church and the youth pastor asked if he could talk to me. allan had committed suicide earlier that day. it didn't seem real--it'd been less than 24 hours since i'd seen him. to this day, it's still one of the saddest moments and memories of my life.

allan didn't leave a note and in the days and weeks after, there was so much confusion. i think i watched about st. elmo's fire about a hundred times looking for a clue. allan's parents were so great considering their loss. his mom especially tried to make sure i knew it wasn't my fault and that there was nothing i could have done. i did understand it wasn't my fault, but i think on some level i'll always wonder if there was something i could've done, something i could've noticed so that maybe allan would still be here.

the past few days i've been working on references to resources that we'll put in the notebook for this year's CORE training that youth specialties, the company i work for, hosts for youth workers. this year the topic is "helping hurting kids". among the topics that'll be covered during the day are suicide and depression. but it wasn't until this morning, it finally dawned on me why i felt so emotionally involved in this material. allan. in 1987, depression among teenagers wasn't exactly a big topic. fortunately, now there's resources and training on all kinds of crises that kids encounter.

in being part of a company that offers training and resources to help youth workers help kids who might be having the same struggles allan had, i'm finding a little more healing for the sadness i still carry over his death.

giddy at the grocery store

some days, it doesn't take much to make me happy. today was one of those days. on my way home from work, i stopped off at the grocery store to pick up some caffeine free diet coke. i'd left work late and the thought of cooking was unappealing so i checked out the lean cuisine case.

and this is where giddiness set in. lean cuisines were on sale for $2 each and there's a new flavor--butternut squash ravioli--and this is where it gets even better...

it was right next to ben & jerry's lowfat frozen yogurt in phish food that was also on sale!!!!

my tummy is sooo happy right now. and my waistline is too. :)

family ties

this past weekend, my parents--dad & stepmom to be specific--came for a short visit. they drove out from oklahoma and brought me the dining table that's been in my family for four generations. i'll post more about the table & its history later.

my dad likes to be on the go. sitting still at home has never been his thing. and my stepmom is a good match for him--she enjoys being on the go and doesn't mind going with the flow, very important when traveling with my dad or just being related to him. i have to say, i'm very lucky in my dad's choice of a second wife. they've been married for 15 years now and had dated for about 3 years before that. she's a great lady & lots of fun. and she's a very wise & grace filled person.

not long after she and my dad became serious, my dad tried to push her as part of the family. my parents had been divorced about 2 years and i was just starting to really deal with the divorce. a stepmom was more than i was ready for at the time. judy and i had lunch at her request. she told me she'd met my mom and that i had a wonderful mom. she told me she'd like for the two of us to become friends, but that she was fine with whatever pace i wanted to do that at. i really didn't want to like her, but i had to respect her graciousness and directness. eighteen years later, i just love her. she and i stayed up late talking after my dad had dozed off and it was one of the best parts of their visit. and there's a great deal of the time i think i perplex my dad. she takes it in stride and helps smooth things over and tries to explain it to him--and when she can't and he still doesn't get me, she makes sure he just accepts me as i am. she also does the same for him when he's driving me nuts.


there is one little quirk about my stepmom, that has become a bit of family comedy. she likes for her and my dad to dress alike. exactly alike. as much as possible. and since hanging out in san diego is casual, well, here's day 1 of their matching outfits during the visit...

and yes, there were matching outfits for the rest of the visit. it used to mortify me, but now, i'm used to it and rather amused by it. and since they obviously make each other happy...well, it's okay with me. as long as they don't want me to dress like them too!