Saturday, July 23, 2005

ho shirt, reunions and lost in time

ho shirt update

the ho shirt passed the jge approval and so i wore it last night to my reunion's first event. interestingly enough, according to my jge friend and my small group, the shirt isn't actually a ho shirt. it's too classy according to one, and another said the only thing that was even a little ho was the lo v and even that is just risque for me...not by the world's standards. actually tho, it doesn't matter if it's ho or not... i really like the shirt and the way i look in it... it'll be making lots of appearances in the upcoming months... girls nite out, casual dressy dinners out...any excuse to wear it will work....


i'm in tulsa now for my reunion. it's been 20 years since high school. this is the first reunion i've been to... most people i haven't seen since graduation... a few since college. my senior prom date was there...he looks exactly the same except for some gray around the temples. and let's just say that with a few exceptions on both sides...the women aged much better than the men. while i'm here, i'm also reconnecting with long time friends. as imporotant as hs was, i'm finding that those who journeyed with me in the years following high school are so important... that the bonds i have with them are the ones that i care continue into my day-to-day life. i'm grateful for the friends i had in hs... they've impacted who i am today, but i'm finding that while it's fun to reconnect with the class of '85, i'm much less worried about what they think of me or whether or not i meet their approval...i wonder if i can carry that over to my current life with people who are in it now. i'm sure i'll have more thoughts on this as i finish the week here.

lost in time
my graduating class was only 167...most...nearly 3/4 of the class are still here in the local area...with a number living in or near the neighborhood they grew up in. many of them stay loosely in touch throughout the years. it's odd though, of the friends i was closest to in hs, a couple of them were quite distant. some of the girls who i thought were way too popular to talk to in school are totally the nicest women at the reunion and it was fun to get to know them a little bit. if the women have changed the least physically, they have changed the most emotionally/socially. and the men in our class who changed the most physically so far seem to be the ones who've changed the least socially/emotionally. for many of them it seems--observationally--that not much has changed since high school...same friends...same groups together. it's not 100% across the board on both sides but there does seem to be a pattern. it's all quite odd. i'm skipping the family picnic this afternoon...105 before the heat index so i'd rather stay indoors... but i am looking forward to tonite. some of my classmates who weren't there last night are supposed to be coming today. tonite should be fun...but i'm still looking forward to going home to SD and getting back to my normal life...i think that must be a sign of something good.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

the 'ho' shirt

a few of my friends and i have a running joke about margaret cho's shtick about with any three female friends, there's the smart one, the sweet one and then there's the ho. she specifically references charlie's angels show as an example in a whole thing she does about the 80's. beth is the smart one, jeannie is the sweet one and i'm the ho. not really of course or it wouldn't be funny. (read a friend's comment about it under i guess i'm "the ho") i tend to be mostly modest with my clothing but i do have a weakness for 'ho' shoes--high heels, pointy toes. i've always looked at those shoes, but it wasn't until last fall i found the nerve to purchase and wear them. i also like skirts--ones with slits or that are just above knee length. i've always thought my legs were my best physical feature and skirts are flattering so i occasionally have a skirt that's a bit sexy, but still modest--no risk of anyone seeing more than they should.

but shirts, i'm always cautious...i bought one shirt...just a v-neck t-shirt with a tie-dyed looking swirl on the front. i got teased (totally meant good-naturedly)about wearing a target on my chest. in the last year tho, i've lost 40 lbs. i've gone from wearing xxl t's to l's and i'm a little more confident about my body. but i still haven't bought any tops that aren't pretty basic and ordinary. i've seen shirts that i think 'i wish that'd fit me'--little trendy tops--more meant for a nite on the town. but i haven't dared to try one yet.

today, however, i gave into temptation. i spent $40 (way more than i normally spend) on a very cool, very out of character-kind of-beaded flowy shirt. it's the kind of shirt girls wear with great jeans, and ho shoes (a pair of which i already own). i really like it, it's the kind of shirt i want to look good in, it's a shirt i'd like to have fit my style. i have to admit i bought it for a 'casual cocktail meet & greet' for my 20 year hs reunion next weekend. it's certainly not something i would've worn in high school... and it's a bit of a stretch for me now.

i haven't decided about the shirt yet. i can still return it. i'm much better at shopping for my friends than myself so i'm not making a final decision about the shirt/outfit until I run it past one of my jge (just-gay-enough--straight guy with the fashion sense of one of the queer eye guys) friends tomorrow afternoon.

Monday, July 11, 2005


from iphy

10 years ago:
i was living in OK, transitioning retail management jobs, skipping my 10th class reunion and dating a guy with whom i'd break up because he was 'grounded' by his mom...he was 30 at the time...

5 years ago:
i'd just moved to san diego to work for youth specialties. i was living with a family while i searched for a place of my own. i was in a bit of culture shock to say the least.

1 year ago:
i was relishing my new relatively new position at ys...customer service & partnerships coordinator; spending a week in class working on a certificate in spiritual formation and direction; and had just lost my first twenty pounds on weight watchers.

church...helping in middle school; shopping with a friend's daughter who's like a neice; meeting with my small group to hear kathryn's stories of going to zambia with one life revolution.

DCLA Day in the marketing department; meeting with a group from my spiritual formation and direction program.

jazzercise & preparing a mailing.

5 snacks I enjoy:
1. virtually anything chocolate...esp. chuao chocolates
2. chips & salsa & guacamole
3. fresh peaches
4. popcorn
5. ben & jerry's lowfat yogurt half baked

5 bands that I know the lyrics of MOST of their songs:
1. U2?
i can't think of 5 bands that i know the lyrics of most of their songs...

5 things I would do with $100,000,000:
1. get out of debt and buy a house
2. take care of my parents
3. set up endowment funds for my favorite charities
4. travel
5. splurge and get a pair of manolo's, a pair of jimmy choo's, and a great little black dress from vera wang

5 locations Id like to run away to:
1. london
2. paris
3. italy--lots of places there
4. california wine country
5. summit county, colorado

5 bad habits I have:
1. procrastination
2. leaving a trail of shoes & purses in my apartment
3. drinking milk out of the carton
4. rubbing my face when i'm tired
5. staying up too late

5 things I like doing:
1. hanging with friends
2. reading
3. messing w/food--either cooking or eating
4. jazzercise
5. sleeping

5 things I would never wear:
1. tube top
2. bikini
3. daisy dukes
4. empire waist blouse or dress
5. another taffeta bridesmaids dress

5 TV shows I like:
1. i love lucy
2. west wing
3. sex on the city
4. coach
5. law & order

5 movies I like:
1. gone with the wind
2. bridget jones diary
3. the american president
4. an affair to remember
5. babette's feast

5 famous people I’d like to meet:
1. george w. & laura bush
2. elizabeth dole
3. pope benedict
4. anna quindlen
5. keith urban

5 biggest joys at the moment:

1. my san diego 'family'
2. my life friends
3. a clean house
4. working with the new 6th graders in middle school
5. a cute pedicure

5 favorite toys:

1. pink iPod mini (current)
2. catch phrase (current)
3. lite brite (childhood)
4. fashion plates (childhood)
5. dolls (childhood)

if you decide to do this...lemmeno!

Saturday, July 09, 2005

death of my alarm clock

yesterday, my alarm clock died. i killed it. it wasn't on purpose. i didn't mean to hurt it.

i like it actually. i'm a huge fan of naps. and i'm typically a deep sleeper. i tend to run at full speed then drop and sleep..kinda like puppies do. i keep my alarm clock on a shelf in the hallway outside my bedroom door. having to get up to walk over to the alarm to turn it off helps me to wake up. when i kept alarm clocks next to my bed, i had murdered them before...just smacking that snooze button way too hard. so i moved the clocks away from the nightstand and put them in places that required me to walk over to them. i hadn't killed any since i made that move.

but yesterday the alarm went off early in the morning on a day with weather perfect for sleeping...gray, overcast, cool...ideal for snoozing a little longer under the covers. i don't remember the alarm going off. i woke up thinking i really need something to i walked out my bedroom door, i started realizing it was kinda bright out. and then i looked at the clock...there it sat, still in its place on the shelf, the snooze button sunken in and no longer pressable, making this really low meeeeeeppppppppp, meeeeeeeeppppppppppp, sound.

today, i'm going to target for a new one. i wonder if they make an industrial, indestructible one...

Tuesday, July 05, 2005


i'm trying to figure out for myself when i have enough...enough money, enough stuff, enough friends, enough success.

i just recently ended a membership at an online dating site[there's a subject for a post of its own...maybe later]. on the site, in your profile, it asked the question, "what are some of your goals?". the question was typically answered with some variation of grow closer to god [it was a site for christians], more job success, more travel, find a spouse and have a family. my answer pretty much fit the pattern, but it has become something that keeps the wheels in my head turning.

if i'm always wanting more, thinking about next, is it because i'm not content with myself or what i have? and if i'm not content in the moment, am i missing out on things in the now because i'm distracted by the desire for more, for next? and if there's not a more or next, does it mean i'm settling or does it mean i'm learning to be content? and if i'm content, does that mean i'll become stuck in a rut? it somehow seems there's a line between contentment and desire for growth, more, next that needs to be found, but i don't know what that looks like.

i'm wrestling with this in a couple areas in my home, my job, my hope for marriage in particular. on the home, i have a nice apartment in a decent neighborhood. the neighborhood is a little more country than i'd like...but it's fine, it's safe and clean. and the apartment itself is a great deal--especially by california standards. but there's this part of me that wants to live closer to the beach, in a neighborhood that's a bit nicer and/or a bit funkier, something less country [there are a lot of big trucks in my neighborhood]. and moving means more'd be pretty hard to beat the deal i have here--which is part of why i've stayed in this one apartment since moving here five years ago. on the job front, i don't have a 'next' step on the career ladder. i've always had a next step on the career ladder until now. i don't know what exactly to do with that. a small part of it is how our company is structured. the bigger part of it is, that for 90% of my job, i really like what i do. at the moment there are plenty of opportunities to become better at what i'm doing, but there isn't another step up the ladder. and i'm not really looking for one. i don't think it's bad necessarily, but i somehow feel like i should want more, should have a goal another step up the career ladder and that if i don't i'm somehow a failure. no one is telling me this, but it is something i wonder about. and as for the hope for marriage, i really wonder if it'll ever happen at all. i assume i'll be okay if it doesn't, although i think there'll always be a longing in my heart for a husband and family. i'm certainly not a fan of the word 'spinster', but i am sure i'd rather be single than married for the sake of being married. and after the singles website, i'm really about over the whole dating/looking for someone thing. but there is something that feels like i shouldn't give up, like deciding to be okay with being permanently single is giving up rather than finding contentment.

so what does it look like to be content in the where you are while hoping for more? can it be done? should it be? i think i'll be wrestling with this for a while.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

live 8 & the absent church

i watched a little bit of live 8 today with a range of emotion. there was a bit of nostalgia--i remember live aid and band aid in '85. it was the first time i was really aware of U2. there was a bit of awe--elton john, madonna, U2, paul mccartney, greenday, the blackeyed peas, all performing in the same day. and of course, my heart caught at the 3 second snaps video and crowd snaps that will smith led.

according to the world health organization, in 2005 more than 11 million children will die before reaching the age of five this year. this breaks down to more than 30,000 children each day, 1,250 each hour, 20 per hour. every three minutes a child dies from preventable causes...they're just born into poverty where due to a lack of clean water and proper nutrition, they won't survive. this is the same statistic that was true in the late 80's and early 90's when i did fundraising for a health care & relief organization. it's hard to believe that the statistic remains unchanged 20 years later. during that time, the hardest groups to work with were church groups.

today, the thing that kept bothering me about live 8 is where is the church? i guess what bothers me is that we can find christians willing to unite to protest against music and movies that are considered profane. there's plenty of christians willing to speak out about the politically left media. we can find christians willing to denounce homosexuality and homosexuals. but where are the christians denouncing poverty? did that die with mother theresa? she didn't even want to be in the spotlight...she just sought to be obedient and to 'do unto the least' as jesus would have. and in the process she gave a voice, an image of christians doing something for the least.

now i know that many churches have great missions and outreach programs and i'm not criticizing that at all. i think that's important and that we should be doing those things in our churches. i just wonder why we as christians can't come together to coordinate our efforts in fighting poverty; i wonder if we are as concerned with taking care of a person's physical needs as we are their spiritual needs. i wonder why it is that a bunch of celebrities who are often notorious for leading decadent lifestyles can manage to come together to make a stand. and i wonder why the church can't set aside the denominational and politcal lines that divide us long enough to show the world that we care more about the people in the world than we do our own differences. and i wonder how and where to start...