Sunday, October 29, 2006

and then a bit of sadness

so i know i did the right thing in not continuing a relationship with someone who had such different beliefs and understandings about what relationships look like and the role of women. there were also a couple other concerns that i had about the relationship that also added to the end of it. these other concerns are things that would have made a relationship hard, but one of the things is some past hurts that are still very present that he needs to work through for his own sake.

there are a lot of great things about the guy...the things that drew me to him in the first place. and a lot of ways in which we were really compatible; we had a lot of similar interests. and i had a lot of fun chatting with him and spending time with him. i have some very fond memories.

so even though i know i made the right choice, i'm still finding i'm a little sad...sad that he's still haunted by the past hurts, sad that our beliefs on some core things were so different, and finally a little sad that it didn't, couldn't work out.

Friday, October 27, 2006

why i'm not married...or back to blogging

apparently i don't understand what it means for two to become one because i want my own identity. really. i was told that. my understanding is that we are to be mutually submissive, that our personalities and gifts are to complement one another, to use our gifts and skills to encourage and build up one another so that together we're better than we would be on our own. for me to do that, to build up a spouse, to complement him with my own gifts, it seems like i'd need to keep my own identity. but i guess my definition doesn't work for everyone. you know what though? i'm really okay with that. i'm okay with holding out for someone who shares my understanding of what two becoming one looks like.

and while i'm holding out, i'll have more time for blogging ;)

Sunday, October 15, 2006


tonite some friends and i had a blessing service for a friend of ours who's pregnant with her first child and due in a few weeks. it was a wonderful evening where we celebrated with food, words and ritual the life passage of becoming a mother. as part of the celebration, my friends--who are all moms--shared storeis and memories of becoming a mother and the birthing process. my home was filled with love, laughter and the intimacy shared between women. now, the house is quiet and i find myself feeling rather melancholy. and i realize it's pretty unlikely i'll ever have a birth story of my own to share. i've known for awhile now that it's pretty unlikely i'll ever be able to become pregnant and in many ways i feel as though i've come to terms with it. but sitting here now, it's hard to not feel a little cheated because i'm missing out on this amazing part of being a woman. it's hard to not feel a little less female, less feminine. this statue is in trafalgar square. i took a picture of it for jeannie. i liked the statue, but i didn't feel particularly connected to it. i think i realize why now.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

my new favorite city

london. london is my new favorite city. two weeks ago today, i was shopping in the market on portobello road in notting hill (yes, like the movie). besides notting hill, my friend jeannie, who went with me, and i spent time at westminster abbey, trafalgar square, covent garden market, tower of london, a musical (avenue q), national gallery, harrods, and windsor castle. we rode the tube and spent quite a bit of time walking around london passing landmarks like big ben, parliament, buckingham palace & hyde park. we walked along the thames and saw the london eye, tate modern, and shakespeare's old globe. we crossed the millenium bridge and saw st paul's cathedral. we ate in pubs and at wagamama (we so need to lobby for these to come to the states). i had fruit beer at belgo--yum! i think my favorites on the food were the panko-crusted sweet potatoes & butternut squash at wagamama, stilton & wild mushroom tart at the pub near our hotel, and a pumpkin & parmesean tart i bought at the market in notting hill. also, the chocolates from harrods were quite yummy.

most of all, i just loved being
there. i loved walking the few minutes from our hotel to the tube stop and passing little mom & pop markets and 3 pubs. i loved that our hotel had a little green park behind it and that it had narrow stairs and tiny halls. i enjoyed taking the tube everywhere and all the walking. it was fun to wander thru leicester square, covent garden and piccadilly circus. just wandering around london was one of my top 3 highlights.

another of the top 3 highlights was my visit to the national gallery. i saw so much in only 3 hours...rubuen, rembrandt, renoir, gainsborough, picasso, monet, manet, vermeer, van gogh, da vinci...i could spend days there. my favorite painting this time turned out to be this renoir titled the umbrellas. there was something so captivating about it, particularly the little girl in the lower right corner with the hoop toy. i can't say how much i loved this museum. i bought half a dozen postcards of art i loved. on my next trip, this will be a main stop.

the final of my top 3 was our visit to windsor castle. the trip is 45 minutes by train and you come around the final bend and there it is--castle! it's quite interesting and there's a ton of history since it's over 900 years old. we visited on a sunday and went to evensong at's chapel. it was the most beautiful service. there was an all male choir and the acoustics were amazing. it was lovely, although a bit hard to stay awake since it was late afternoon, very quiet and we'd just eaten. nevertheless, it was a highlight of my trip.

i can't wait to go back...i'm looking for a deal to go back in the winter and spend my time wandering around museums for a few days. i want to see manet to picasso again at the national gallery and just spend longer there and i want to check out the tate modern's unilever series--giant slides you can go down.