Sunday, May 29, 2005


on an episode of sex & the city carrie observes, "maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be". as someone who tries to follow jesus, this is something i believe, that whole becoming a new creation in christ--i believe that is something that happens when you choose to follow christ. and i knew that becoming more christ-like was part of the journey, the whole task of following him. but somehow, i've had a fixed idea of what becoming more christ-like is supposed to be. in growing up in the bible belt, there was a definite image of what it looked like: married, good kids, good jobs, decent income, nice house in nice neighborhood with good schools, active in the church, active in the community...blah, blah, blah... i went on mission trips and i saw christians who looked different than that, but where i was from, it was important to look like the other christians. only i couldn't quite manage that completely--i was over 30 & single and had questions about my faith. then i moved to california...a total god thing (maybe i'll post that story someday). now i'm learning that following christ doesn't have a particular look--that it actually is unique to each person with some common characteristics(fruits of the spirit). it's a lesson i've been learning since the day i arrived. but i'm just starting to realize that i'm included in this...i don't have to have a certain 'look' to be a christ-follower. i'm finding that living into that realization is challenging. it requires risk and vulnerability. it requires me to find out who i am without any masks. i'm scared and excited all at the same time... of letting go of some of my past and of the path that takes me to who i'm meant to become. i'm realizing that for me to become who i'll be means daily letting go of some of who i was... if only there were an instruction manual for this...

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

single life & normalcy

i'm single. and 37. and this is much longer than i've planned to be single. i thought i would be married with kids who were in middle school about now. but that's not how life turned out. so now i find myself wondering can single be normal? what i mean by this is that if i were a man, no one would think twice about my singleness. there wouldn't be questioning or pitying looks. people would be less likely to ask 'but don't you want to be a mom?' or worse yet, 'what happened? how come you're not married?' or 'you mean you've never been married?'. i've considered printing up cards with standard replies:
  • yes, i'd like to be married.
  • yes, i want to be a mom.
  • no, i've never been married.
  • nothing happened--i just haven't met someone that i can see spending the rest of my life with.

maybe that's the problem. maybe i'm a commitment-phobe. although, i don't think i am. i don't move a lot. i have several friends whose friendships have lasted for years. i think the correct diagnosis is that i'm phobic of a disposable society. everything is disposable--containers, income, and sadly relationships. i know it's an almost archaic idea, but i believe in love for a work thru the hard places & stick it out. divorce just isn't an option for me. i'm probably pretty cautious in my choices, but shouldn't that be celebrated not chastised?

we celebrate marriages...and many will end in divorce. why not celebrate singleness?