Thursday, February 17, 2005

the dance of growth

there's a country song from the early 90's that has a line about taking two steps forward and one step back in a relationship...i really can't remember the name of the song or the artist but that theme has always stuck with me. i don't disagree with growth feeling like two steps forward and one step back and sometimes even one step forward and two steps back. but lately i'm starting to view growth as a dance, sometimes awkward, sometimes your toes get stepped on or you step on another's toes, sometimes you trip, sometimes you bump into another couple, sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself, but once in a while, there's a moment, a few perfect steps that are magical when light and color swirl past in a kaleidoscope and it seems that you and your partner are the only people on the planet and that your feet aren't even touching the dance floor. i'm in a place of growth right now both personally and professionally. more often than not i feel as though i've shown up in shoes that pinch my toes and i'm spending my time tripping over the edge of my dress and stepping on my partner's toes. but every so often, i manage a few perfect steps, in time with the music, in sync with my partner, and it feels more like flying than dancing... so i continue with my clumsiness, my awkwardness and my bruised feet because the moment of flight and kaleidoscope of color are worth it all...because each time i'm closer to becoming who God created me to be...

Thursday, February 10, 2005

cool kids & idiot girls

i wish i were a cool know the ones who always seem to have it together; the ones who are quick with comeback, whose joke always gets a laugh, who seem to have a ridiculous amount of self-confidence, for whom a bad day is a lousy parking place.

i am not a cool kid...i am, as author laurie notaro puts it, an idiot girl... the one who has a bad hair day the same day she's bloated, overdraws her checking account & manages to have to go to more than one gas station to actually get gas. i've actually had a bird poo on my hair, my shirt and my pants while i was sneaking out for a clove. when i manage to come up with the quick comeback (especially to a cool kid), it's all i can do to feign non-chalance while trying to resist jumping up down and screaming 'i got you, i got you, i got you' in the annoying sing-song voice of a 10 year old girl and trust me when i get home, i mark it on the calendar...whatever happened to my 2002 calendar that had that day in june marked? i think i've become used to life as an idiot girl...i don't think i could switch to the other side, could i? so is there even a way to switch sides? or are you immediately recognized as an imposter and sent to some category beyond the idiot girls who at least know how to laugh at themselves over a vat of martinis...

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

intention or execution

i'm a klutz--clumsy and uncoordinated. sometimes physically (how many people do you know who've had more casts as an adult than a kid?), but more often i'm klutzy in expressing myself to others. i always mean well... largely, my motivations are genuine and meant to be kind, but more often than i'd like, the execution of my actions aren't as fluid as i would hope. but i'm also not the only one. almost everyday, i have or observe an encounter where someone's intentions for goodness, kindness, hospitality are poorly or awkwardly executed. and all too often, the intention is overlooked in the wake of the clumsy execution... and in staring at the execution, we miss the greater gift--the good intention behind it. why do we do this? is it that we doubt others motivations? do we question our worthiness of kindness or hospitality? i don't have answers...but i do have a hope that now that i've noticed this gap between intention and execution, i'm going to try to focus more on the intention of the person and being a graceful receiver...especially when the execution is clumsy.