beautiful

i've been pondering and treasuring something that happened last sunday night.

i was saying goodbye to a friend and as we hugged, he said to my ear "bye beautiful". he wasn't being flip or teasing, which is the typical character of our friendship. there was something tender and genuine about how he said it--enough that it struck something deep within me. and it's stayed with me for days since.

i never think of myself as beautiful--inside or out. i'm too self-concious of my inner and outer flaws, failings, shortcomings to believe that about myself. but something about how he said it has made me feel beautiful, inside and out. it has helped me to believe a little more deeply that it is how god sees me--as his beautiful and beloved.

i'm sure my friend has no idea the impact of his words. and i'm fairly sure i'm too shy to point it out to him--especially since our friendship is more casual and kidding in nature. but that use of the word 'beautiful' has been truly a gift to treasure...

surreal day & san fran airport

i returned home from our first of three national youth workers conventions. i'm tired. really tired. when i came in and dropped my bags on the floor, i was pretty happy to be home and grateful that i'd cleaned house before i left.

it feels strange to be home tonite knowing that it's temporary. i fly to our next convention on monday and since my flight is at 6:30am, i'm spending the night with friends who live downtown on sunday. it'll be much easier to get to the airport that way. i took a nap, checked email and ran to the store to pick up a few groceries...very few--just enough to last til sunday. i unpacked my dirty clothes to wash and repack them.

but the surreal part of the day was the trip home. we (myself and a couple of friends/coworkers) flew home on united by way of san francisco. i've never been to san fran, but my friend marko
has had interesting experiences in the san fran airport. today was my turn. as we were walking thru the terminal, we noticed the red carpet club was closed--by the police with all the staff standing outside. we were kinda laughing about it being closed by police on bikes. as we were sitting in an airport restaurant having breakfast, jay noticed that our airport was on the news--there'd been a bomb scare and apparently part of our terminal had been evacuated--the red carpet club and surrounding area. we could look out the window at the restaurant and see the bomb truck on the tarmac with other emergency vehicles. we were never affected but it was a bit odd to be watching your airport on the news. after that we headed for the gate and i stopped by the bookstore. as i turned around my backpack brushed a man standing behind me. i said 'oh excuse me' and he muttered something inaudible under his breath. as i walked past him, i thought 'hmm, he looks familiar--he kinda looks like sean penn.' i didn't think too much about it and kept browsing the books. i turned a corner and he was standing on the aisle and looked up at me and said 'hey' so i said 'hey' and picked up a book that caught my eye. i decided to just get the magazine i'd picked up so i headed to the cashier passing him one more time. i was definitely thinking he looked a lot like sean penn but much shorter..he's about my height. when i walked up to the register two women were there being kinda giddy--"did you sean penn--i can't believe he's in here" kinda conversation. so, kinda weird but said 'hey' to a movie star today w/o acting starstruck. weird things do happen in the san fran airport...

growing pains

when i was in 5th & 6th grades, puberty hit and i really hated it. i remember hating all the growing pains--being teased for being taller than all the boys, my changing body & figuring out how to 'grow up'. i remember crying myself to sleep wanting to just be done with it--to be all grown up. i remember my mom and my godmother telling me not to hurry it, it would happen soon enough.

but i don't remember either of them mentioning that there really isn't an end to it...that part of life is growing and changing. that there will be seasons of change and seasons of rest. i am grateful that i get to continue growing and learning to live more fully as the person God created me to be. but at the moment, i'm in the midst of one of those seasons of change and there's implications in all areas of my life. it's hard and uncomfortable.

and in the midst of this one of the hard lessons is sometimes my best isn't enough. i can't do everything perfectly; i can't make everyone happy all the time. that's hard for me. i'm a natural people pleaser--i really want to make people happy if i can. and there are times i just can't. i'm learning to be okay with that, to be okay with not pleasing everyone and to know that i'm still okay even though someone isn't happy. i think it's part of being more sure of myself, of believing more in who i am and trusting myself.

i'm sure when i get to the end of this season that it will be worth it, but for now, it'd be nice if they made a tylenol for growing pains.

new jeans

this afternoon, i ended up going downtown to pick up a pair of pants i'd ordered. once down there, i decided i could blow off my original afternoon plan and shop for some new jeans.

i'm picky about jeans...they need to fit just right and look great, but they have to be completely comfy--soft denim, nothing stiff. i hate to shop for jeans alone...i like having a second opinion so deciding to do to try some on alone is a bit unusual. i tried on a half dozen pairs and none fit. i'm in between sizes so some were just a little bit too big, others just a little bit too small. it was getting to be time for a meeting so i gave up my search until a day when a friend can come with.

i was meeting a directee--someone i'm offering spiritual direction for. i've been in a spiritual direction and formation program for a year and a half. this year, we're offering spiritual direction to a couple people as our practical application. on my way home, i realized shopping for jeans is a good metaphor for where i am in life at the moment.

i'm in this odd in-between stage. being a director doesn't quite fit right yet. it feels funny to be the director, to sit and listen to someone and to try and reflect God to them. there are lots of pieces of me--my heart and soul--that feel new, changed different as a result of being in the program and becoming a director. but there are people in my life who don't seem to notice...something that feels for me a lot like wearing a new pair of jeans that i love and feel good in and not having anyone notice.

while i'm still looking for an actual pair of jeans, i'm choosing to keep the spiritual director jeans. i'm trusting that in time that it will feel like a favorite pair of jeans.

the decaf life

it's been just over two weeks since my last caffeinated beverage. once the headaches ended (about 3 days in--the first two were the worst), i've felt better and slept better. i am very grateful for caffeine free versions of diet dp and diet coke. diet cherry 7up is a new favorite.

and even though i get pitying looks from the baristas at starbucks, i can order my decaf, sugar-free vanilla, non-fat latte with a smile.