this afternoon, i ended up going downtown to pick up a pair of pants i'd ordered. once down there, i decided i could blow off my original afternoon plan and shop for some new jeans.
i'm picky about jeans...they need to fit just right and look great, but they have to be completely comfy--soft denim, nothing stiff. i hate to shop for jeans alone...i like having a second opinion so deciding to do to try some on alone is a bit unusual. i tried on a half dozen pairs and none fit. i'm in between sizes so some were just a little bit too big, others just a little bit too small. it was getting to be time for a meeting so i gave up my search until a day when a friend can come with.
i was meeting a directee--someone i'm offering spiritual direction for. i've been in a spiritual direction and formation program for a year and a half. this year, we're offering spiritual direction to a couple people as our practical application. on my way home, i realized shopping for jeans is a good metaphor for where i am in life at the moment.
i'm in this odd in-between stage. being a director doesn't quite fit right yet. it feels funny to be the director, to sit and listen to someone and to try and reflect God to them. there are lots of pieces of me--my heart and soul--that feel new, changed different as a result of being in the program and becoming a director. but there are people in my life who don't seem to notice...something that feels for me a lot like wearing a new pair of jeans that i love and feel good in and not having anyone notice.
while i'm still looking for an actual pair of jeans, i'm choosing to keep the spiritual director jeans. i'm trusting that in time that it will feel like a favorite pair of jeans.