becoming

on an episode of sex & the city carrie observes, "maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be". as someone who tries to follow jesus, this is something i believe, that whole becoming a new creation in christ--i believe that is something that happens when you choose to follow christ. and i knew that becoming more christ-like was part of the journey, the whole task of following him. but somehow, i've had a fixed idea of what becoming more christ-like is supposed to be. in growing up in the bible belt, there was a definite image of what it looked like: married, good kids, good jobs, decent income, nice house in nice neighborhood with good schools, active in the church, active in the community...blah, blah, blah... i went on mission trips and i saw christians who looked different than that, but where i was from, it was important to look like the other christians. only i couldn't quite manage that completely--i was over 30 & single and had questions about my faith. then i moved to california...a total god thing (maybe i'll post that story someday). now i'm learning that following christ doesn't have a particular look--that it actually is unique to each person with some common characteristics(fruits of the spirit). it's a lesson i've been learning since the day i arrived. but i'm just starting to realize that i'm included in this...i don't have to have a certain 'look' to be a christ-follower. i'm finding that living into that realization is challenging. it requires risk and vulnerability. it requires me to find out who i am without any masks. i'm scared and excited all at the same time... of letting go of some of my past and of the path that takes me to who i'm meant to become. i'm realizing that for me to become who i'll be means daily letting go of some of who i was... if only there were an instruction manual for this...

single life & normalcy

i'm single. and 37. and this is much longer than i've planned to be single. i thought i would be married with kids who were in middle school about now. but that's not how life turned out. so now i find myself wondering can single be normal? what i mean by this is that if i were a man, no one would think twice about my singleness. there wouldn't be questioning or pitying looks. people would be less likely to ask 'but don't you want to be a mom?' or worse yet, 'what happened? how come you're not married?' or 'you mean you've never been married?'. i've considered printing up cards with standard replies:

• yes, i'd like to be married.
• yes, i want to be a mom.
• no, i've never been married.
• nothing happened--i just haven't met someone that i can see spending the rest of my life with.

maybe that's the problem. maybe i'm a commitment-phobe. although, i don't think i am. i don't move a lot. i have several friends whose friendships have lasted for years. i think the correct diagnosis is that i'm phobic of a disposable society. everything is disposable--containers, income, and sadly relationships. i know it's an almost archaic idea, but i believe in love for a lifetime...you work thru the hard places & stick it out. divorce just isn't an option for me. i'm probably pretty cautious in my choices, but shouldn't that be celebrated not chastised?

we celebrate marriages...and many will end in divorce. why not celebrate singleness?

the dance of growth

there's a country song from the early 90's that has a line about taking two steps forward and one step back in a relationship...i really can't remember the name of the song or the artist but that theme has always stuck with me. i don't disagree with growth feeling like two steps forward and one step back and sometimes even one step forward and two steps back. but lately i'm starting to view growth as a dance, sometimes awkward, sometimes your toes get stepped on or you step on another's toes, sometimes you trip, sometimes you bump into another couple, sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself, but once in a while, there's a moment, a few perfect steps that are magical when light and color swirl past in a kaleidoscope and it seems that you and your partner are the only people on the planet and that your feet aren't even touching the dance floor. i'm in a place of growth right now both personally and professionally. more often than not i feel as though i've shown up in shoes that pinch my toes and i'm spending my time tripping over the edge of my dress and stepping on my partner's toes. but every so often, i manage a few perfect steps, in time with the music, in sync with my partner, and it feels more like flying than dancing... so i continue with my clumsiness, my awkwardness and my bruised feet because the moment of flight and kaleidoscope of color are worth it all...because each time i'm closer to becoming who God created me to be...

cool kids & idiot girls

i wish i were a cool kid...you know the ones who always seem to have it together; the ones who are quick with comeback, whose joke always gets a laugh, who seem to have a ridiculous amount of self-confidence, for whom a bad day is a lousy parking place.

i am not a cool kid...i am, as author laurie notaro puts it, an idiot girl... the one who has a bad hair day the same day she's bloated, overdraws her checking account & manages to have to go to more than one gas station to actually get gas. i've actually had a bird poo on my hair, my shirt and my pants while i was sneaking out for a clove. when i manage to come up with the quick comeback (especially to a cool kid), it's all i can do to feign non-chalance while trying to resist jumping up down and screaming 'i got you, i got you, i got you' in the annoying sing-song voice of a 10 year old girl and trust me when i get home, i mark it on the calendar...whatever happened to my 2002 calendar that had that day in june marked? i think i've become used to life as an idiot girl...i don't think i could switch to the other side, could i? so is there even a way to switch sides? or are you immediately recognized as an imposter and sent to some category beyond the idiot girls who at least know how to laugh at themselves over a vat of martinis...

intention or execution

i'm a klutz--clumsy and uncoordinated. sometimes physically (how many people do you know who've had more casts as an adult than a kid?), but more often i'm klutzy in expressing myself to others. i always mean well... largely, my motivations are genuine and meant to be kind, but more often than i'd like, the execution of my actions aren't as fluid as i would hope. but i'm also not the only one. almost everyday, i have or observe an encounter where someone's intentions for goodness, kindness, hospitality are poorly or awkwardly executed. and all too often, the intention is overlooked in the wake of the clumsy execution... and in staring at the execution, we miss the greater gift--the good intention behind it. why do we do this? is it that we doubt others motivations? do we question our worthiness of kindness or hospitality? i don't have answers...but i do have a hope that now that i've noticed this gap between intention and execution, i'm going to try to focus more on the intention of the person and being a graceful receiver...especially when the execution is clumsy.