i should've stayed in bed

i had a lovely lazy day yesterday, but today i'm wishing i'd just stayed in bed. today is the second anniversary of mike yaconelli's trip to heaven. that in and of itself makes me sad. i miss him. i miss his encouragement, both personally and professionally. i especially miss his sense of play & his child-like excitement at pulling off a practical joke or surprise.

but i should've chosen to stay in bed when i woke up after a weird nightmare-sort-of-dream that left me feeling cranky with God. we were at our upcoming convention in nashville and yac was there. all 7500 attendees were stuck in the room that will have convention hq, the store, registration, one life experience and a couple other things. yac was there running around yelling over our nextels trying to figure out what the problem was and who was fixing it while stopping to chat w/attendees. somehow in the dream, i also knew i was married...to someone i know who's a friend that i don't see except at convention. i woke up feeling like it was all a cruel joke and cranky with God that the chance of my being married to this guy ever and mike physically being at our nashville are zero. i woke up sad from missing a friend and from feeling loss over my dream of being a wife and mom. and since it's hard to be cranky with someone not physically present, i just felt generally cranky and irritable. i should've gone back to bed, but instead i got ready and tackled the day.

i went to church and then to small group where i learned that last week when i was at the spam museum, our small group had a rough meeting. a discussion over how to manage a project that is supposed to help our middle school students (most of my small group works with middle school students) develop a larger world view and help kids affected by the aids pandemic in africa had gone rather badly. there were two different views and hurtful words were said on both sides. today, less than 1/2 the group was there and it looks like this is going to be a hard thing for people in our group to recover from...much less the group itself survive intact.

add to that news of a couple of untimely & tragic deaths this weekend and i now have a headache. i know if i'd actually stayed in bed that nothing would have changed, but i might not have a headache or feel completely wiped out again.