yesterday, my alarm clock died. i killed it. it wasn't on purpose. i didn't mean to hurt it.
i like sleep...love it actually. i'm a huge fan of naps. and i'm typically a deep sleeper. i tend to run at full speed then drop and sleep..kinda like puppies do. i keep my alarm clock on a shelf in the hallway outside my bedroom door. having to get up to walk over to the alarm to turn it off helps me to wake up. when i kept alarm clocks next to my bed, i had murdered them before...just smacking that snooze button way too hard. so i moved the clocks away from the nightstand and put them in places that required me to walk over to them. i hadn't killed any since i made that move.
but yesterday the alarm went off early in the morning on a day with weather perfect for sleeping...gray, overcast, cool...ideal for snoozing a little longer under the covers. i don't remember the alarm going off. i woke up thinking i really need something to drink...as i walked out my bedroom door, i started realizing it was kinda bright out. and then i looked at the clock...there it sat, still in its place on the shelf, the snooze button sunken in and no longer pressable, making this really low meeeeeeppppppppp, meeeeeeeeppppppppppp, sound.
today, i'm going to target for a new one. i wonder if they make an industrial, indestructible one...
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
contentment
i'm trying to figure out for myself when i have enough...enough money, enough stuff, enough friends, enough success.
i just recently ended a membership at an online dating site[there's a subject for a post of its own...maybe later]. on the site, in your profile, it asked the question, "what are some of your goals?". the question was typically answered with some variation of grow closer to god [it was a site for christians], more job success, more travel, find a spouse and have a family. my answer pretty much fit the pattern, but it has become something that keeps the wheels in my head turning.
if i'm always wanting more, thinking about next, is it because i'm not content with myself or what i have? and if i'm not content in the moment, am i missing out on things in the now because i'm distracted by the desire for more, for next? and if there's not a more or next, does it mean i'm settling or does it mean i'm learning to be content? and if i'm content, does that mean i'll become stuck in a rut? it somehow seems there's a line between contentment and desire for growth, more, next that needs to be found, but i don't know what that looks like.
i'm wrestling with this in a couple areas in my life...my home, my job, my hope for marriage in particular. on the home, i have a nice apartment in a decent neighborhood. the neighborhood is a little more country than i'd like...but it's fine, it's safe and clean. and the apartment itself is a great deal--especially by california standards. but there's this part of me that wants to live closer to the beach, in a neighborhood that's a bit nicer and/or a bit funkier, something less country [there are a lot of big trucks in my neighborhood]. and moving means more money...it'd be pretty hard to beat the deal i have here--which is part of why i've stayed in this one apartment since moving here five years ago. on the job front, i don't have a 'next' step on the career ladder. i've always had a next step on the career ladder until now. i don't know what exactly to do with that. a small part of it is how our company is structured. the bigger part of it is, that for 90% of my job, i really like what i do. at the moment there are plenty of opportunities to become better at what i'm doing, but there isn't another step up the ladder. and i'm not really looking for one. i don't think it's bad necessarily, but i somehow feel like i should want more, should have a goal another step up the career ladder and that if i don't i'm somehow a failure. no one is telling me this, but it is something i wonder about. and as for the hope for marriage, i really wonder if it'll ever happen at all. i assume i'll be okay if it doesn't, although i think there'll always be a longing in my heart for a husband and family. i'm certainly not a fan of the word 'spinster', but i am sure i'd rather be single than married for the sake of being married. and after the singles website, i'm really about over the whole dating/looking for someone thing. but there is something that feels like i shouldn't give up, like deciding to be okay with being permanently single is giving up rather than finding contentment.
so what does it look like to be content in the where you are while hoping for more? can it be done? should it be? i think i'll be wrestling with this for a while.
i just recently ended a membership at an online dating site[there's a subject for a post of its own...maybe later]. on the site, in your profile, it asked the question, "what are some of your goals?". the question was typically answered with some variation of grow closer to god [it was a site for christians], more job success, more travel, find a spouse and have a family. my answer pretty much fit the pattern, but it has become something that keeps the wheels in my head turning.
if i'm always wanting more, thinking about next, is it because i'm not content with myself or what i have? and if i'm not content in the moment, am i missing out on things in the now because i'm distracted by the desire for more, for next? and if there's not a more or next, does it mean i'm settling or does it mean i'm learning to be content? and if i'm content, does that mean i'll become stuck in a rut? it somehow seems there's a line between contentment and desire for growth, more, next that needs to be found, but i don't know what that looks like.
i'm wrestling with this in a couple areas in my life...my home, my job, my hope for marriage in particular. on the home, i have a nice apartment in a decent neighborhood. the neighborhood is a little more country than i'd like...but it's fine, it's safe and clean. and the apartment itself is a great deal--especially by california standards. but there's this part of me that wants to live closer to the beach, in a neighborhood that's a bit nicer and/or a bit funkier, something less country [there are a lot of big trucks in my neighborhood]. and moving means more money...it'd be pretty hard to beat the deal i have here--which is part of why i've stayed in this one apartment since moving here five years ago. on the job front, i don't have a 'next' step on the career ladder. i've always had a next step on the career ladder until now. i don't know what exactly to do with that. a small part of it is how our company is structured. the bigger part of it is, that for 90% of my job, i really like what i do. at the moment there are plenty of opportunities to become better at what i'm doing, but there isn't another step up the ladder. and i'm not really looking for one. i don't think it's bad necessarily, but i somehow feel like i should want more, should have a goal another step up the career ladder and that if i don't i'm somehow a failure. no one is telling me this, but it is something i wonder about. and as for the hope for marriage, i really wonder if it'll ever happen at all. i assume i'll be okay if it doesn't, although i think there'll always be a longing in my heart for a husband and family. i'm certainly not a fan of the word 'spinster', but i am sure i'd rather be single than married for the sake of being married. and after the singles website, i'm really about over the whole dating/looking for someone thing. but there is something that feels like i shouldn't give up, like deciding to be okay with being permanently single is giving up rather than finding contentment.
so what does it look like to be content in the where you are while hoping for more? can it be done? should it be? i think i'll be wrestling with this for a while.
Saturday, July 02, 2005
live 8 & the absent church
i watched a little bit of live 8 today with a range of emotion. there was a bit of nostalgia--i remember live aid and band aid in '85. it was the first time i was really aware of U2. there was a bit of awe--elton john, madonna, U2, paul mccartney, greenday, the blackeyed peas, all performing in the same day. and of course, my heart caught at the 3 second snaps video and crowd snaps that will smith led.
according to the world health organization, in 2005 more than 11 million children will die before reaching the age of five this year. this breaks down to more than 30,000 children each day, 1,250 each hour, 20 per hour. every three minutes a child dies from preventable causes...they're just born into poverty where due to a lack of clean water and proper nutrition, they won't survive. this is the same statistic that was true in the late 80's and early 90's when i did fundraising for a health care & relief organization. it's hard to believe that the statistic remains unchanged 20 years later. during that time, the hardest groups to work with were church groups.
today, the thing that kept bothering me about live 8 is where is the church? i guess what bothers me is that we can find christians willing to unite to protest against music and movies that are considered profane. there's plenty of christians willing to speak out about the politically left media. we can find christians willing to denounce homosexuality and homosexuals. but where are the christians denouncing poverty? did that die with mother theresa? she didn't even want to be in the spotlight...she just sought to be obedient and to 'do unto the least' as jesus would have. and in the process she gave a voice, an image of christians doing something for the least.
now i know that many churches have great missions and outreach programs and i'm not criticizing that at all. i think that's important and that we should be doing those things in our churches. i just wonder why we as christians can't come together to coordinate our efforts in fighting poverty; i wonder if we are as concerned with taking care of a person's physical needs as we are their spiritual needs. i wonder why it is that a bunch of celebrities who are often notorious for leading decadent lifestyles can manage to come together to make a stand. and i wonder why the church can't set aside the denominational and politcal lines that divide us long enough to show the world that we care more about the people in the world than we do our own differences. and i wonder how and where to start...
according to the world health organization, in 2005 more than 11 million children will die before reaching the age of five this year. this breaks down to more than 30,000 children each day, 1,250 each hour, 20 per hour. every three minutes a child dies from preventable causes...they're just born into poverty where due to a lack of clean water and proper nutrition, they won't survive. this is the same statistic that was true in the late 80's and early 90's when i did fundraising for a health care & relief organization. it's hard to believe that the statistic remains unchanged 20 years later. during that time, the hardest groups to work with were church groups.
today, the thing that kept bothering me about live 8 is where is the church? i guess what bothers me is that we can find christians willing to unite to protest against music and movies that are considered profane. there's plenty of christians willing to speak out about the politically left media. we can find christians willing to denounce homosexuality and homosexuals. but where are the christians denouncing poverty? did that die with mother theresa? she didn't even want to be in the spotlight...she just sought to be obedient and to 'do unto the least' as jesus would have. and in the process she gave a voice, an image of christians doing something for the least.
now i know that many churches have great missions and outreach programs and i'm not criticizing that at all. i think that's important and that we should be doing those things in our churches. i just wonder why we as christians can't come together to coordinate our efforts in fighting poverty; i wonder if we are as concerned with taking care of a person's physical needs as we are their spiritual needs. i wonder why it is that a bunch of celebrities who are often notorious for leading decadent lifestyles can manage to come together to make a stand. and i wonder why the church can't set aside the denominational and politcal lines that divide us long enough to show the world that we care more about the people in the world than we do our own differences. and i wonder how and where to start...
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
a plate broke today
i had a week off work, and when i went back, i hit the ground running. it's good--it's actually fun. we're launching some new things; i'm getting to do some stuff i really love doing. but it's crazy busy. i've felt a little like the guys who try to spin the plates on the poles. i've kept them up for almost two weeks, but today one broke.
i flew to my hometown for work. the plan changed while i was working on plane reservations and i ended up making the return reservation for the wrong day--a day late thankfully. it's not all that bad of a mistake, but it has left me in my hometown without the knowledge of my friends or family--except the aunt & uncle i stay with when here. it's just not the kind of mistake i usually make. and being here on my own, free to wander w/o feeling like i should be spending time with someone while i can, i find that i feel lost.
it's odd to feel like a stranger in the town i grew up in...and pretty much lived in until i moved away five years ago. much is familiar...streets are in the same place, major landmarks are still there, none of my friends or family have changed homes. but the business that line the streets have changed. there are new restaurants--chains have come that weren't here five years ago; a few favorite local places have disappeared-- there's a freshness to the city. it feels familiar and strange all at the same time. i feel a little lost and melancholy and even homesick here. tonite i was to be home, seeing a friend who'd pick me up at the airport, seeing the ocean, smelling the salt air before heading inland towards the valley where i live. i'd have stopped by my neighborhood grocery store to pick up some fruit & yogurt for breakfast in the morning. i'd have slept in my own bed with the windows open, the breeze coming into my room. instead i sit here in a borders, catching up on some work things and noticing i feel out of place... a broken plate amongst the spinning ones.
i wonder what it would take to make a mosaic of the pieces.
i flew to my hometown for work. the plan changed while i was working on plane reservations and i ended up making the return reservation for the wrong day--a day late thankfully. it's not all that bad of a mistake, but it has left me in my hometown without the knowledge of my friends or family--except the aunt & uncle i stay with when here. it's just not the kind of mistake i usually make. and being here on my own, free to wander w/o feeling like i should be spending time with someone while i can, i find that i feel lost.
it's odd to feel like a stranger in the town i grew up in...and pretty much lived in until i moved away five years ago. much is familiar...streets are in the same place, major landmarks are still there, none of my friends or family have changed homes. but the business that line the streets have changed. there are new restaurants--chains have come that weren't here five years ago; a few favorite local places have disappeared-- there's a freshness to the city. it feels familiar and strange all at the same time. i feel a little lost and melancholy and even homesick here. tonite i was to be home, seeing a friend who'd pick me up at the airport, seeing the ocean, smelling the salt air before heading inland towards the valley where i live. i'd have stopped by my neighborhood grocery store to pick up some fruit & yogurt for breakfast in the morning. i'd have slept in my own bed with the windows open, the breeze coming into my room. instead i sit here in a borders, catching up on some work things and noticing i feel out of place... a broken plate amongst the spinning ones.
i wonder what it would take to make a mosaic of the pieces.
Sunday, June 19, 2005
earthquake?
nope...not tonite.
last sunday morning, i'd been awake for all of 10 minutes and was standing in the kitchen waiting for my toast to pop up from the toaster. there was a loud thud and the wall shook. my first thought was 'stupid neighbors!' then i realized the apartment was still shaking and that my spices were falling off the back of the stove. it was an earthquake--not the noisy neighbors. we had another one midweek while i was at the office.
tonite, i came home after 9 p from friends where i'd been in the hot tub and out by the fire pit. i took a quick shower and then curled up on the couch to watch a movie. i was relaxed and comfy and dozed off while watching my movie...and i awoke to a loud thud and things vibrating. after this week, my first thought was 'earthquake!'. then i realized there was a pattern to the thuds and vibrations... it's back to 'stupid neighbors and their surround sound!'.
it's after midnight now and they're still at it... i'll chat with our complex manager tomorrow. maybe i should be extra chipper in the morning and rock out while i get ready for church.
last sunday morning, i'd been awake for all of 10 minutes and was standing in the kitchen waiting for my toast to pop up from the toaster. there was a loud thud and the wall shook. my first thought was 'stupid neighbors!' then i realized the apartment was still shaking and that my spices were falling off the back of the stove. it was an earthquake--not the noisy neighbors. we had another one midweek while i was at the office.
tonite, i came home after 9 p from friends where i'd been in the hot tub and out by the fire pit. i took a quick shower and then curled up on the couch to watch a movie. i was relaxed and comfy and dozed off while watching my movie...and i awoke to a loud thud and things vibrating. after this week, my first thought was 'earthquake!'. then i realized there was a pattern to the thuds and vibrations... it's back to 'stupid neighbors and their surround sound!'.
it's after midnight now and they're still at it... i'll chat with our complex manager tomorrow. maybe i should be extra chipper in the morning and rock out while i get ready for church.
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